I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
