Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
