the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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