I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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