I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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