i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
