she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
