He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
