You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
