how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You smell like stripper and shame
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
