My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
