And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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