goodnight i made you a song goodbye
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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