So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
