how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
