I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
