It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
