jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
