if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You ate ashes out of my bong
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
