Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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