Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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