If that was your dad, he is hot
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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