I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
