I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
