That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
