i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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