just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
