Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
