You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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