Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
