I should be sponsored by Trojan
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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