apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
What a dumb baby whore.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm always down for nudity.
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