I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
