Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
