Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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