I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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