I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
