i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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