I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
