Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
