Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
