Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
