i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
