Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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