filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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