dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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