the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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