9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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