he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
