nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
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